


a good and kind kind of way

by Leutik



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, Fake Marriage, kind of amish/cult au, toni pretends to be a boy for the first half
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29917971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leutik/pseuds/Leutik
Summary: toni has to spend two months in a christian village to help her with her anger management issues. shelby is looking for a way to escape.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 100





	a good and kind kind of way

The Goodkind village is beautiful. It's full of flowers and camps and pretty colours and grass. Wildlife embraces it in a way that it could be renamed Cinderella village, but it's Goodkind, because it's full of good and kind people.

(Except it's called Goodkind because many generations ago, the first Goodkind, Shelby's great great great great grandad, founded it.) 

They've been called Amish, they've been called traditionalists, they've been called conservatives and Republicans and "the new Westboros", whatever that means. 

Shelby knows none of that is true. 

This is the Goodkind way of living a good and kind life, close to nature, and away from modern temptations — just like God intended. 

♠♠♠

Toni is taking her therapy seriously.

Not because she  _ wants  _ to, indeed she actually thinks it’s bullshit, but solely because it’s the one condition her coach told her he had to keep her on the team.

And no team meant no scholarship, as she was in college just to play basketball.

It was just a few months before having her degree, so she didn’t need to worry to be kicked off for good, but Toni didn’t want to sit on the bench for the rest of the season: no talent scout for official nba teams would have picked her up anyway. And sure, she was no longer the captain like she was in high school, because this was college and there were plenty of better athletes than her. But Toni was fierce, fierce like no one else was, more fierce than ambitious, and solely on her passion she relayed to make a way for herself, in that industry full of sharks.

But, well, therapy sucks, and it sucks even more when it’s not just tricky questions and the expectation to pour your heart out in front of a stranger. It sucks ass when you’re asked to spend actual time doing actual things in places they tell you to.

The only positive aspect is that Toni only has left to write her thesis, so she figures a break, as sports season is over, might do more good than harm.

♠ 16 june 2025 ♠

Toni looks the place up beforehand, of course.

She’s in her dorm room, laying on her back, laptop on her stomach, scrolling through the reviews.

The Goodkind village.

Her coach even had the audacity to suggest bending her thesis a bit to include the two months experience she was about to have, from early July to late August, right after the final session she just had, and right before submitting her thesis for the autumnal ceremonies.

She looks the place up, to know what to expect.

And boy, was it a trip.

They had this whole “back in the eighteen hundred century” kind of aesthetic, that looked more like a true political and lifestyle agenda than just a matter of looks.

They have a website, first of all, and it’s hilarious. On the very same website, they condemn the use of the internet, if not, and Toni quotes, «For god-honouring matters.»

Toni supposes launching their little village falls into the category, then.

Toni also supposes her stash of lez porn does not.

♠ 22 june 2025 ♠

Toni has an idea.

It’s silly, and it’s a little thing she knows she’ll use to keep herself sane, already foresighting the boredom that will come with milking cows all day.

She asks for an old friend of hers a fake document.

♠ 25 june 2025♠

So, during that very last therapy session, Toni does something she never has before.

She pours her heart in front of Ms. Klein — she pretends to, of course, but she’s too dumb to pick that up — and unlocks her fake tragic background story.

What Ms. Klein gathers, is that Toni’s anger issues have something to do with sexuality and gender — which do not, not by a long shot, if anything her sexuality and her gender expression are the two things she finds comfort in — and Toni doesn’t even give a fuck if that will pollute their therapy from now on.

It’s been useless up to this point already.

«That’s why I want to transition.» Toni  _ doesn’t _ , but she says it anyway, «And I think a fresh start to experiment might be this village.»

Ms. Klein looks elated, she looks touched, and she looks everything a fifty years old psychologist would, after a difficult patient suddenly seems to be coming up with solutions themselves.

«It really is! It’s a wonderful opportunity, and I’m so glad you finally figured that out, Toni.» 

Ms. Klein then leaves her a couple of leaflets about the topic, outlines how their therapy will shift after she comes back from the village, and how Ms. Klein will help her through her transition.

Good thing Toni is never setting foot in this goddamn office ever again, as soon as she graduates.

«You’re going to be a handsome young guy. Hell, what am I talking about, you already are, Toni.» 

At that, Toni can’t help but grimace, to which Ms. Klein asks if she said anything inappropriate, and out of sheer panic, Toni manages to say: «I’d rather be called  _ Antonio  _ from now on.»

Well, what a fucking situation.

♠ 27 june 2025 ♠

Ms. Klein — why the hell does she have her number in the first place — texts her with a photo of the recommendation email she sent to Mr. Goodkind, and Toni laughs to herself when she reads “Antonio” for real.

So, Toni’s reasons to go the extra mile and pretend to be a guy for the next two months are basically two: a more egoistic one, that is how she saw people are treated in that village. It’s called renewed femininity, newfound girl power, being defined by God, finding again the gift of humility, and all those sugary ways to say regression. Toni doesn’t want to go there and look after someone else’s children and do house chores all day.

The second reason is more political: she hopes she’ll pass well enough to have everyone fooled, both in performance and looks — and fuck, she has to cut her hair and pack her most boyish clothes — only to reveal that she’s a girl the last day. Just to throw some progressivism in that godforsaken place. Pun fully intended.

♠ 28 june 2025 ♠

When Toni sets foot in the hairdresser, she gets scared. She doesn’t want a bob, she doesn’t want a buzzcut, fuck them.

She’ll buy a fake beard and keep her hair long, Jesus-looking much.

♠♠♠

The Goodkind village is beautiful. It’s been beautiful in the way Shelby’s daddy always told her, and in the way Shelby grew up to see it. With the eyes of a child, protected and looked after, between the perfume of baked goods and fresh flowers.

Nature. No pressure, no stressful jobs, no capitalism.

Just nature, and the little maintenance duties it requires.

They do have a small business though, widely spread across many fields, from agriculture to handmade clothes, to spiritual guide books and religious youth camps during the summer.

But that isn’t the way people out there are avid for money, her daddy told her.

The Goodkind village it’s been beautiful in that naive way, but now Shelby sees what beauty means, for an adult.   
It doesn’t mean absence of problems and difficulties, but it means learning to handle them with grace.

So the Goodkind village is still beautiful, despite what happened to Becca, despite her death, despite Shelby’s sins.

It’s still beautiful, because everyone has their struggles, but here they aren’t alone. There’s the whole Goodkind community ready to have their back.

Shelby has already her life planned, here: to marry the guy her dad likes, to bear children, to look after them, to continue the family tradition. To help create a safe environment for the new generations, in the way that they’ll get to experience the world as beautiful, despite humankind’s corrupted state.

So, when Shelby sighs, as another June is ending, and she’s getting closer to be asked to marry Andrew, she knows it’s only natural. She sighs because she’s sinful, not because it’s a bad life.

It’s a good and a kind life, what’s ahead of her. She just has to be strong enough to carry it.

♠ 1 july 2025 ♠

«Antonio!»

It simultaneously cracks Toni with laughter and with disgust every time she hears it, even if it’s just the second one. Or third, if we count the message.

Dave Goodkind is a young-looking forty years old man, who looks happy the way most white middle-age wealthy men are: fully swimming in their privilege, not feeling guilty in the slightest, feeling God’s hand on their head for doing absolutely nothing.

«Good morning Mr. Goodkind.» There’s no need for Toni to lower her voice, as she’s been blessed with what she’s been told one too many times is quite a sexy and low one, but she still does, just to be safe. Her fake beard is sticky against her cheeks, and she hopes it won’t leave a rush on her skin. Three months with that shit is gonna cause her a lot of pimples, she already knows.

«No need to be so stiff, but I appreciate your respect for authority-»

Toni has no idea why he assumed she respects authority, and why would she think of him as one. «Can I call you Tony?»

Toni nods, thank god, and follows him inside.

The train ride was nice, as Toni loves to keep her head against the cold window and stare outside, music in her ears and a whole movie playing in her head.

A movie where perhaps she’s still with Regan, even if it’s been almost five years now, but whatever.

She’s over it, right? Head between endless tights, just to forget the only relationship she ever had, before throwing herself headlessly in the fuckbuddies marketplace.   
She isn’t fit for relationships. Not when not even therapy can help her with her anger.

She follows Dave inside, and the village is even bigger than she expected, bigger than in photos.

It’s surrounded by fields of every kind, has its stable and the place where the other animals stay that Toni has no idea what is called, and has a big house that circumscribes a courtyard inside of it. That big house surely is the reason why it’s called a village, as there’s no way a single family lives there. There have to be at least a dozen, judging by the plenty of space and windows and-

«It’s pretty big, isn’t it? My great great great grandad built it with his bare hands.»

Toni highly doubts it, but she still nods, «It’s bigger than in photos.» 

«You’ve looked it up, I see. Good thing, good thing. Always be prepared, always know where you’re headed.»

He sounds as if he had the truth in his pockets, but Toni doesn’t mind, and actually finds it pretty amusing the way he turned something as chill as looking into the Goodkind official site into a life lesson.

«You’ll be staying with us, right under my roof. Now, there are a few rules you have to keep in mind-»

He starts, as Toni tunes him out completely. She goes back to listening to him minutes later, as he’s leading her through some hallways, and inside the place looks even bigger, both rustic and elegant, in some southern way, when he asks her what she’s studying and things like that.

«A basketball player, huh. You look pretty short to be playing basketball with all those tall and huge guys.»

She is generally short to play in the girl league as well, so she’s used to the question. «I’m a shooting guard, sir.»

He nods, and Toni wonders if he even watches the sport.

He proceeds to make some racist comment, about how it’s hard for a white guy to make a living in that industry ruled “by them” — Toni wonders if her traits are too caucasian for Dave to pick up on the fact that she isn’t exactly white either — and in the blink of an eye, she’s led to a room.

♠♠♠

The first week of July is always kind of a big deal. Independence day has to be celebrated with a grand service, that Shelby’s daddy is going to hold, being the only pastor left.

Shelby has heard him plenty of times complaining about the lowering rate of young men taking the role of pastors, and holy vows in general. When Shelby suggested she’d take the chastity vows to become a nun, her father simply laughed, reminding her that the birth rate is also dropping.

Shelby doesn’t feel as enthusiastic as she should, in having her life mission placed in being a baby making machine. (That only makes her guilty, because «You’ve been gifted with fertility by God Himself.» her father told her.)

So now, on the first of July, which lands on a Saturday, Shelby feels that buzzing energy that came with starting to think about the preparation for the end of the week. She’ll be cooking most of the time, crafting paper decorations and explaining to the children in the village why they’re celebrating.

_ “God freed His chosen people, the direct descendant of Israel, on this day, for us to spread His Word to the rest of the world” _ Shelby repeats quietly in her head, as she collects eggs from the chicken coop.

♠♠♠

«Have you heard?»

Shelby was startled by one of the young mothers — one year younger than her, with three children already, the true embodiment of why Shelby Goodkind was a disgrace to her family — approaching her as she carried the eggs to the kitchens.

«Heard what?»

«There’s a new guy here for the summer!»

Shelby frowns. It isn’t youth camp month yet, as it started in August, so she wonders who that could be. «A seminarist?» The only option that made sense was a future pastor who was taking his apprenticeship under her father’s guidance.

Perhaps that would tame his complaints.

«I don’t know, but don’t you want to meet him?»

The woman sounds a bit too excited, and soon Shelby understands why: «You know, since you and Andrew don’t… Perhaps him…?»

Shelby fills the blanks: since Andrew and her aren’t married yet, the woman must think it’s because Shelby doesn’t like him enough, so she might like this new guy here.

The problem is the “guy”, but Shelby surely can’t say that. She also knows that she found a balance with Andrew, who must have picked up her resistance towards sex, judging by how he’s always confessing cheating.

And sure, it’s pretty messed up that her father should keep his lips sealed after confessionaries, but Shelby is his daughter, and he uses Andrew’s sins to push Shelby to marry him. _ “Boys have urges, and one of the duties as a wife is to help them, take care of them. You understand that, Shelby? He loves you, but you have to love him back.” _

Shelby doesn’t know much about biology, but why don’t other guys cheat their future wifes all the time then? She’s pretty sure that if one wants to control themselves, they can.

And, even more messed up, is that Shelby is glad that Andrew is finding his  _ outlets  _ somewhere else. She hopes he will continue to do so, after they marry.

♠♠♠

Shelby hates how she keeps thinking about it.

She hasn’t liked a boy like that ever, not even once, in her entire life. But she can’t help replay her father’s words in her head: she hasn’t met the right one yet. Homosexuality is a comfortable choice, because it’s easier to understand the same sex. She just has to wait, and be patient, and pray. Andrew is a good guy, but perhaps he’s not the one God intended for her — what he’s sure of, is that it’s a guy who God wants her to be with.

The “easier to understand the same-sex” sounds a bit suspicious, and Shelby very briefly wondered if her father was so passionate about the topic for a personal reason, but that was none of her business. If he was happy, despite everything, then Shelby could be too, with a guy. With the right one.

The one who would turn her straight.

♠♠♠

«Antonio, come, let me introduce you to my wife.» Shelby’s father says in the hallway, as Shelby is preparing dinner with a few other women, and her mother is walking out of the kitchen just then.

Shelby has never heard the name in the village, and it sounds Spanish or Italian, so she wonders if he truly is the new seminarist.

«Nice to meet you, Ms. Godkind.»

He sounds like a fourteen years old boy who’s just changing his voice, raspy and cracking but not testosterone-low. Shelby wonders how old he is.

When she turns around to peek, the three of them are already gone.

♠♠♠

Toni is already going crazy.

She just spent all of her morning unpacking the three things she brought, the fake beard is itchy, the elastic band-aid is too tight around her ribs, she feels like it’s a bit harder to breathe.

She went downstairs to look for a glass of water somewhere, but Dave tackled her and introduced her to JoBeth.

The three of them are sitting on three little armchairs in what looks like a sort of office, or guest welcoming room, and it feels a bit too serious for Toni’s standards.

Until Dave leans forwards, and places a hand on Toni’s knee.   
(It sends fucking shivers down her spine, why the fuck is this old man touching her.)

«Tony, we hope you’ll find yourself comfortable here with us,» he starts, to which his wife nods. Toni notices how she hasn’t spoken ever since the “It’s nice to meet you too”, and Toni wonders if she’s just quiet or brainwashed.

«Thanks, sir.» 

«I take it that you’re a religious person, given that you chose to come here for your thesis, right?»

Toni knows that Ms. Klein didn’t mention her anger problem, but just the thesis, so that she wouldn’t be treated differently. She nods, because her grand debut will take place on the very last day, and she needs to keep her facade on.

«Good, good. Ms. Klein told me you’re twenty-two.»

Toni nods again, not understanding all the tension, not being able to foreshadow what the hell they want from her.

«And I see you have no rings on.»

Toni’s mind starts running then. She wonders if the long hair is giving gay hippie vibes, instead of Jesus ones, and she’s quick to add: «Looking for the right girl, sir.»

Dave’s face lightens up at that, and he smiles in the way a cat would do right before eating a defenceless bird.

Toni gulps.

«I wanted you to meet my daughter.»

♠♠♠

It’s literally been two hours at most, and Toni can’t make a sense out of it. Shouldn’t he be more protective about that?

Toni can only think about so many options. One, his daughter is ugly as hell. If that’s the case, Toni is sorry, but she won’t lead a girl on just to please her dad. Two, his daughter is old. And if that’s the case, well, Toni has always had a soft spot for mature women. Three, his daughter is some sort of queer. Perhaps falls under the trans umbrella, perhaps is just “curious” but her dad is overreacting and wants her to go back in the straight category. Perhaps it’s fully a butch lesbian who’s saving up for a bike and a sleeve tattoo, has cut all of her hair and wants to live in a commune with ten other raging gays.

Whatever it is, Toni is not a boy, so it’s wrong for her to even contemplate the chance to play whatever religious matchmaking courting ritual Dave is planning.

Tight-lipped, Toni utters an uncertain «I’d love to, sir.»

♠♠♠

Shelby sees Antonio during lunch.

Meals at the Goodkind village are always a big deal, as there are a dozen families, and all of them have at least five children, so it’s almost a hundred people in here. That’s why from ten to midday every woman from sixteen years old has to be in the kitchen to help, or to set the table, or to go fetch last minute supplies from their fields.

Shelby is assigned to organization that day, as her mother, the wife of the Goodkind village’s pastor and chief, is the one who usually coordinates this stuff, but is currently caught up in whatever.

Shelby  _ loves  _ giving orders. She’s not used to it, not by any means, being a woman and all. She knows that it’s not coincidental, as God tries to show her His presence through her condition as a woman and her gift as a leader. Two things that can’t go together, and that are meant to push Shelby to pray to Him.

Still, when youth camp rolls around and she can give orders, or when little inconveniences like these happen, Shelby thrives. She’s more efficient than her mother, she’s a better cook, she’s more secure and when people complain and try to escape their duties, Shelby doesn’t let them, way less condescending than her mother.

She internally reproaches herself, because she’s meant to respect her parents — even if that’s a matter of fact.

♠♠♠

Shelby sees Antonio during lunch, when everything is ready, the table is set, and the men start taking their usual seats.

There’s one extra chair in front of Shelby’s, near the rest of the Goodkind, Spencer on one side and Melody next to her.

When every man is seated, women and children join them, and that’s when Shelby sits down, right in front of him.

The first thing Shelby notices, is how he stands up, right before she sits down, and it takes her aback. One is only meant to stand up in the presence of someone older and of the same sex, so that show of non-compulsory respect is totally new to her.

The second thing Shelby notices, are his eyes. Deep and brown, with long eyelashes, that look like they could bore holes in whatever they land on.

The third thing is his hair. Long and wavy and dark, that look soft in a way that if Shelby was to run her fingers through it, she knows she wouldn’t find knots.

Then it’s the little nose, the straight lips, the bony hands. If Shelby unfocuses her eyes, she could forget about the beard. She’s sure he’d look way better without it. She can tell he has a killer jawline even through it. (Shelby wonders if she could ask him to shave it off, as she did with Andrew.)

When Shelby’s dad clears his throat and stands up, she moves her eyes to his figure.

He makes a prayer, in which he thanks God for the food, for blessing them with Antonio’s presence for the rest of the summer, and in which he asks Him to protect them and watch over them.

When Shelby goes back to looking at him, she catches him staring.

♠♠♠

Well, Toni has to discard the first option, as Dave’s daughter is  _ gorgeous _ .

Perhaps the prettiest woman Toni has ever seen.

She’s beautiful in the way she won the genetic lottery, with perfect blonde hair, perfect little nose, plump lips, killer cheekbones, regal eyebrows, the greenest eyes Toni has ever seen, big and breathtaking. She has quite the body as well, if the little parade from the kitchen to the impossibly long table — they have to be at least a hundred people in there, the fuck — is anything to go by.

When Toni is caught staring, she averts her eyes in the fastest way she can, looking everywhere on the table. It looks like the traditional meal farmers from the seventeenth century would have: legumes, soup, bread, fruits, vegetables, and all kinds of dairy products.

Toni blames Martha for introducing her to veganism, and her own lactose intolerance, so that now she can only eat half of the things displayed.

When she dares look up at Dave’s daughter again, she finds her quietly eating, eyes on her plate, as if in her own bubble.

♠♠♠

As pretty — in the way women are pretty — and respecting a guy can be, he’s still a guy, and Shelby knows it’s not very different from the first time she met Andrew. She knows that the excitement she feels comes from all the promises her dad made her: it’s the singular guy, not the whole male population, who might not work. So now Shelby can’t help but think: what if he’s right? What if this one guy could embody everything Shelby needs to be cured? Perhaps Shelby isn’t gay. Perhaps she just has too high standards, that no man has ever managed to meet yet.

(Shelby knows that it implies that women are overall better than men, but she won’t dare say it out loud, as she’s already on thin ice in here.)

«So, Antonio, what did you do all morning?» Her father asks, and Shelby recognizes the tone instantly. It’s the tone he uses when Shelby makes a mistake, when she forgets something or does something she isn’t supposed to. It’s the tone that starts innocuous, but that turns accusatory in a second.

She looks at Antonio, and finds him relaxed enough, unaware of what’s coming.

(He’s a host, Shelby tells herself. Her father won’t embarrass her with an unnecessary scolding.)

«Working on my thesis, sir.»

Shelby almost nods, rooting for the new guy, as his dad likes little titles like “sir”, reminders of his authority.

«Good, good, it’s good to study. What about?»

«Women in sports history and the economical gender gap in the industry.»

Shelby almost gapes. Almost. She keeps her poker face on, as internally she feels a tornado of emotions.

First of all, she knows what her dad thinks about women in sports — women working in general.

Second of all, Shelby feels quite impressed in Antonio’s choice. As he’s a guy, and he’s not on the “oppressed” side of society, but still he chose to use his voice to address the matter.

«For or against?»

Antonio laughs, but his laugh dies on his lips, when he realizes that Shelby’s dad is serious.

«Uh, I’m against the unfair gap, sir, if that was the question.»

♠♠♠

Dave leans backwards on his chair, and Toni recognizes it. She’s had her fair share of old dudes trying to tell her she’s not quite what they’re looking for, from her appliances on basketball teams, to things as little as working on a garage.

It’s the _ “alright, I’m going to waste my time trying to explain to this stupid woman how things work, and why she cannot, biologically, do what we can.” _

Anger issues aside, Toni is very ready for his answer.

«In the sense that there shouldn’t be women in sports in general, Tony?»

But Toni isn’t stupid. Her first instinct is to answer  _ “in the sense that the patriarchy made you that stupid to even think that, you asshole” _ , but she’s a guest, and she’s supposed to fall into his good graces. She can do it, and not preach against her values, she believes. She just has to be subtle.

«Why would you think that, sir?»

«I never said that I think that.»

Toni doesn’t know if he’s backpedalling, or knows his way around a chess match, waiting for her to make the first move.

«May I ask you for your opinion then, sir?» And she’s quick to add, for fake innocence sake: «For the thesis.»

He smiles, of a fake and understanding smile, of a smile of someone who might have sensed that a leftist sneaked under his Christian roof and is trying to brainwash him into Communism — and the fact that Toni had this conversation already is alarming — and knows he’s the right guy to bring them back on the right path.

«Do you know anything about biology, Tony?»

Toni pushes down the quick answer,  _ “Do you know anything about sports?” _ , but answers instead, in fake humbleness: «I’ve given a few exams, yes.»

It’s what he comments next that has Toni lose all hopes.

«What they teach in university is in direct consequence of the ruling class’ ideology, so I wouldn’t pride myself with exams if I were you.»

Toni has to suppress a laugh because, alright Foucault 2.0, what’s his point? But still, she waits for him to carry on.

«It’s biological evidence that men are stronger and more athletic than women, hence why there’s no place in sports for women. You can write that in your thesis.»

♠♠♠

Shelby can tell, by the way Antonio is pursuing his lips, that he’s having a hard time with that conversation.

It’s mesmerizing to watch for Shelby, as she’s never had the privilege to stand against his father, as she’s a woman, but now a man is doing the job for her. She doesn’t understand where Antonio’s passion comes from, but suddenly the idea of meeting the guy seems a bit more appealing.

«With all due respect sir, even if that was true,» that is the worst way to start, and Shelby notices the way her father flinches, as if the mere fact that something he states might not be true physically pains him, «I still don’t understand where the causation lies. It might make sense if men and women’s league were mixed, making it hard for women’s teams to win, but they’re not, so as long as there’s an audience to fuel the women’s league’s market, I don’t see why it should be compared to the men’s.»

In pure Dave’s style, he redirects the conversation to a spiritual level: «So the audience should be the judge of that?»

«I mean, that’s how the market works…?»

«But is that the way it  _ should  _ work?»

«I don’t think I understand what you’re implying, sir.»

Shelby’s father must have sensed it as a victory of some sorts, because he just smiles and says: «One day perhaps you will, kid. Less talking and more eating, right?»

Shelby doesn’t really know how to feel about any of it. A part of her is thrilled to have experienced someone openly fight — in the most polite way, still — her dad like that, not through anonymous comments on the internet but face to face. A part of her doesn’t know what her father’s attitude is going to be towards Antonio.

If he isn’t a seminarist, and if her dad will still think he’s a good enough Christian, Shelby figures she can only hope to be married to a feminist, at least. Since that’s her only choice. A respecting man, a man that she might confess her sexuality — no, her  _ sins  _ — to, and that might let her be.

That might cover up for her to her family, and let her-

«Shelby, dear, I don’t think I’ve introduced the two of you.» Shelby’s mom drags her from her spiral of thoughts, forcing her to look up.

Antonio is looking intensely at her, while JoBeth utters the typical: «This is Antonio Shalifoe, he’ll be staying with us for the summer, and Antonio, this is Shelby, our oldest daughter.»

Because there’s the table in between, there’s no shaking of hands, and Shelby just offers him a polite smile. «It’s nice to meet you.»

He nods, «You too.»

♠♠♠

When the meal is over and Antonio stands up to help clear the table, that’s the umpteenth sign that he comes from outside the village.

Dave tells him «Nonsense, come, you’re meeting all the young kids who play soccer here, you might wanna teach them a thing or two.» and drags him away.

So that leaves Shelby and the rest of the ladies in the kitchen, clearing the dishes, minutes later.

«Why was Andrew sitting at the other end of the table?» Is the first thing Shelby asks, trying to reach the topic gently. She knows it’s easier to talk to her mom when her dad isn’t around.

In front of the sink next to hers, leathering what Shelby is rinsing, she smiles softly. «What do you think of him? Of Antonio?»

Shelby feels a bubble of anger rise in her stomach, for some reason. If it was anyone else it’d be fine, and they would know how things work here at the village: marry fast, because you’re growing older, and you won’t be able to bear children forever. But going the extra mile and forcing them to meet in front of her parents, moving her suitor until the previous day to the other end of the table was a different matter, when  _ they  _ were an outsider. When it was someone who supported women in sports and helped with house chores.

«What am I supposed to think? I barely spoke to him.»

«Then you might wanna spend some time with him later, sweety.»

Shelby just sighs, hoping the conversation is over. But her mom starts, on a way more serious note: «Shelby, I know you don’t like Andrew, but Antonio is  _ someone like you _ , so maybe-»

«What do you mean “someone like me”, mom?»

«You know, a bit… extravagant.»

Shelby doesn’t know how to take it. Is her mom suggesting that Antonio might be gay? It’s her clarification that says it: «You saw how he behaves. He’s not very… masculine. So, perhaps, if he’s here, it’s because he’s looking for a girl like you. Your father and I, you know, we’d rather- but since the situation is what it is,  _ maybe…  _ what do you say?»

Shelby understands what her mother is trying to say. It’s better for her to marry a gay man, than to a woman. And because Shelby knows their mindset too well, she also knows that they might think that it’s even better for her to marry a gay man than a straight man, to leave the straight man available for a straight woman, that will know how to make him happy.

In other words, what her mother is trying to tell her, is that since they’re both doomed by nature to be miserable, they can at least be miserable together — without polluting normal people.

Shelby holds the sponge so tightly, she thinks she might break the plate under her fingers.

«I think I’ll go talk to him in the afternoon.»

♠♠♠

Toni doesn’t want to sound like a broken record, but the children — and it’s  _ a lot _ of them — that are playing on the grass between the two makeshift goalposts are just boys, while the little girls are somewhere further playing family with some dolls and fake kitchen utensils.

It is pretty sexist.

Even more so, when a child or two try to wander to the “opposite gender playing area”, as Toni labels it in her head, and the few adults scold them.

They’re playing pretty randomly, and because there’s no internet, radio or tv, Toni doubts any of these people know how to play soccer, and must play a distorted version that slipped under their knowledge. So Toni tries to make a good impression on Mr. Goodkind, and teach the kids the proper rules.

There are around forty young boys and thirty young girls, so Toni could use a few girls to make four teams for a little tournament. She doubts Dave would approve, so she sticks to making three with one too many standbys.

She sorts them by age, sending the youngest ones to play some exercises to get acquainted with the ball, while the rest sit down to listen to her.

♠♠♠

One of the kids was sitting at the table with them, and when Toni makes them do a round of names, she finds out his name is Spencer. He might go to middle school, if he wasn’t homeschooled.

«Alright, I need to pick two captains, and they’ll choose their team. You’ll race for the title, ready?» Toni knows a bit of healthy competition brings the best out of people.

Dave leaves the courtyard at some point, perhaps satisfied in seeing Toni’s good handle with children, and a few other guys follow him.

One approaches her, while the guys are picking their teammates, right after the little race.

«Andrew Johnson, nice to meet you.» He tells her, stretching a hand. Toni knows handshakes are important amongst men, for some stupid alpha male reasons, so she takes it and squeezes it the way she thinks a confident guy with a big dick would.

«Ton- Antonio Shalifoe, nice to meet you too.»

He nods, perhaps satisfied with the handshake, before standing right next to her, looking in front of him, like old people on docks do, handing out life advice. He even has his hands behind his back.

«I usually watch over kids while they play, but now it seems like I’ll have someone to help me.» He tells her, nodding again, as if he needed a bit of self-reassurance.

«Yeah, well, Mr. Goodkind only asked me to for today, so. I wasn’t trying to steal your job, don’t worry.»

«Not what I was worried about.»

That’s a weird answer, as if implying that he is worried about something, so that catches Toni’s attention, as he looks at him.

«Are you one of those journalists that want to throw shit on us?» 

He’s defensive the way Toni is used to being, so she gets him, and also gets what to say to get him out of that state. «No, dude, I’m just a sports major. Do they come here often? The journalists?»

He sighs, as if suddenly more relaxed, «Good. Uh, sorry if I swore,» He makes sure to say first, which makes Toni internally laugh, «I mean they used to, but Dave is only letting people with recommendations in now. And you were recommended by Ms. Klein, so.»

No wonder Toni hates her. «Is she a family friend?»

«No, actually. Ms. Goodkind found out about her when the whole thing with Becca happened, and she helped Shelby, when the therapy here didn’t work. She’s one of those good atheists, you know. Not all of them are bad. Are you?»

It’s a lot to process, mainly because this Andrew guy is speaking as if they were old friends and Toni was supposed to know what’s the “whole thing with Becca” and why Dave’s daughter needed help.

«What?»

«An atheist.»

Toni is, but she’s surrounded by Christians, even if Andrew just admitted the possibility of “good atheists” to exist. So she lies: «Uh, no. I believe in the big guy up here.»

He looks even more relieved, and, as if he actively decided that they’re friends now, fake-whispers: «Dave put you at his end of the table, huh?»

«I guess it’s because I’m a host.» 

«Nah, believe me when I say this, it’s not because of that. He’s looking for someone to take Shelby.»

“To take Shelby”? Toni can’t help but wonder  _ take her where _ , but before she can ask, Andrew is supplying: «I was the designed one, you know. And all the people who come here are either married or priests, so. You lifted a big weight on my shoulders, bud.»

Still Toni doesn’t get it, why the hell is he talking as if she was supposed to? «Andrew, what weight-»

But there’s a scream, and there’s a kid lying on the grass, several others around him, and Toni is now running towards him.

♠♠♠

«It’s fine, Spencer, you’re fine.» Toni tells the guy, squeezing his shoulders, as he’s panting, eyes unfocused and glassy, looking everywhere without taking anything in.

Toni knows that look.

And it’s because she knows it too well, that she left Andrew to take care of the injured kid, and is now walking with Spencer towards the bench at the entrance of the courtyard.

Apparently Spencer pushed him, and the kid fell, and the rest pointed fingers at him saying that Spencer did it on purpose.

«I didn’t mean to, coach, I really didn’t, I swear!»

«I know you didn’t, I know. Things happen, it was nobody’s fault, okay?»

It’s weird being called coach, but it’s even weirder taking care of a kid in a situation she’s been millions of times. She volunteered to, thinking no one but her could know how to deal with it, but now she’s feeling useless, as if watching herself from an extracorporeal experience.

Toni then opens up, because she knows he might need a distraction, and someone to relate to.

«You know, I was kicked off my team in high school, because I threw my piss at a rival.»

His eyes go wide, and suddenly he’s laughing through the tears, and it warms Toni’s heart.

«Really?»

«Really.»

«Why?!»

«I was mad, and competitive, and I didn’t think about it.» And because that’s what responsible adults do, she tries to put things into perspective for him: «Violence is never okay, but once the damage is done, it’s best to try and work to be better than to self-loath, alright?»

He nods. They stay like that for a while, Toni sharing a bit more from her troubled childhood and the many punishments she had, with the calmest attitude, trying to convey the fact that in the long run none of that really matters — until Spencer says: «Do you think God still loves me?»

That makes Toni a bit perplexed, because isn’t He supposed to love unconditionally, theoretically? Her first instinct is to answer “who cares” or “does it matter?”, but she says instead: «Of course. He never stops.»

♠♠♠

Shelby is weaving a curtain for one of the living rooms, when she sees Andrew carrying a child with a cut on his knee.

«What happened?» She asks, rushing to his side, walking both of them to the kitchen where ice is held.

«Spencer pushed me!» The kid answers, a bit over dramatic in Shelby’s opinion.

They make him sit on the table, ice on his knee, Andrew drying his tears, because «Men don’t cry, kid.»

Shelby doesn’t like how he’s so young and already forced to pretend, but she doesn’t say anything. She isn’t a man, so how can she know?

♠♠♠

«So, Antonio.» Andrew tells her, once the kid has fallen asleep right there on the table, and they moved him to one of the couches in the living room.

«What about him?» Shelby is already done with how a single person can catch all the attention, in a small place like their village.

«You’ll be glad not to have me around any longer.»

«As if you weren’t equally glad, Andrew.»

«Touché. But you know why. I’m a simple man, with simple needs.»

«I’m sure Christa will fulfil them just fine.» Shelby never understood how someone could be that superficial, just disinterested in love, but Andrew never hurt anybody, and wasn’t a violent man, so that was something. It’s sad, how she gives him credit for what she feels should be the bare minimum.

He still cheated on her, even if dating doesn’t exist here. There’s parents’ approval and then straight marriage. Good thing Shelby’s mom never quite liked him.

«I’m sure she will too.» He simply replies. «He might be the one, Shelby.»

Shelby doubts, but he sure seems like the best option, here.   
And the worst thing is, she’s pretty sure he has no idea what he got himself into.

Dave can be quite a persuasive man.

♠♠♠

Andrew leaves her to watch over the kid, since he has stuff to do — she doubts it, but she lets him go.

It’s when she’s alone in the living room, mindlessly caressing the kid’s hair, his head on her lap, eyes lost on the landscape she can see through the window, that they come in.

«We found them, Spence.» Antonio says, raspy voice cutting through the silence.

Shelby feels tense all of a sudden. Perhaps it’s because everyone keeps pushing her towards him, and even if he truly is her best choice, he’s still a man, so Shelby will never be that willing to be pushed. Perhaps it’s because he’s a man, and she’s generally grown to grow tense around them, always ready to remind her of her inferiority, of her disadvantage. Perhaps it’s because he’s new, and she’s been used to the usual familiar faces.

But he has a hand in Spencer’s, and Spencer looks calm like he never has.

And, what shocks Shelby the most, is how Spencer wakes the injured kid up  _ just  _ to apologize. And a kid as proud as Spencer never does.

♠♠♠

The two kids run away to go playing again, and Shelby expects Antonio to go as well, but he stays there, shifting on his feet a little.

It’s cute, seeing a man nervous. It’s unusual, around here.

«I’m Shelby.» She decides to say, extending a hand towards him, standing up.

He takes it, «Toni.» And the automatic nickname surprises Shelby. He’s quick to say: «I mean, Antonio. You can call me Toni, your dad does.»

Shelby huffs a laugh, and feels a bit embarrassed about that. One thing she notices, standing this close to Toni, is how he doesn’t smell like the typical cheap mixture of cologne and sweat. He smells nice, like soap and a flowery scent.

«Can I take a seat?» He asks, pointing at the spot on the sofa next to where Shelby was sitting.

«Uh, yeah, sure. You don’t have to ask.»

♠♠♠

Shelby says “you don’t have to ask” as if this wasn’t literally her home and she wasn’t here first, and Toni feels weirdly settled off by that. She’d like to answer that in fact she does, but Toni still wonders what Shelby thought of the little interaction with her dad over lunch, and what she thinks about it.

But she asks instead: «How do things work around here?» 

«What do you mean?»

«Like, what do you do for a living, how far is the closest mini market…?»

«We eat what we produce, and they send us what we don’t in stocks once a month. The money comes from little activities.»

Toni nods, unsure of how they can afford that. «What is it that you don’t produce?»

«Hygiene products, mainly. Soap, papel towels…» Shelby looks at her in kind of a weird way, as if studying her, as if she’s about to say something inconvenient just to test her, «…pads.»

Toni makes a quick calculation in her head, and if none of the children has had their cycle yet, and leaving the older women out in menopause, it still makes a lot of pads to buy every month.

«Wouldn’t menstrual cups be more convenient?»

Shelby looks a bit taken aback, «What are those?»

♠♠♠

It’s weird, but Toni ends up telling her all about female hygiene for the rest of the afternoon: he even talks in lengths about situations “his friends”, as he keeps repeating, had on the topic.

Shelby was homeschooled, so the whole world of experiences Toni had feels like a movie, if Shelby was allowed to watch those.

«So this one time Marty had hers during gym, this one time, and I ran towards her and have her my sweatshirt to put on her hips, and it was so fucking embarrassing, she still blushes when she thinks about it.»

Shelby finds out that Toni swears quite a lot, but he does with such nonchalance, that they feel like normal words. Not violent, fuel words, Satan slipped into humans’ vocabulary to incline them towards violence.

Toni doesn’t seem like a violent guy, so far.

♠♠♠

«Here you are, we’ve been looking for you all day!» Shelby’s dad says, entering in the living room, which isn’t isolated by any means, its big windows putting everything on display to the courtyard.

«You have?» Shelby asks, sitting up straighter, tensing a bit.

«I’m just kidding Shelby, your mom was wondering where you were, to help her for dinner.»

Shelby is tempted to say  _ “oh shit!” _ like Toni had, just minutes before, but she catches her tongue just in time. She stands up and says: «I’m on it,» before turning back to Toni, «I’ll see you.» to which he smiles, «I’m counting on it.»

♠♠♠

Dave is creepy as hell.

Before Toni can stand up, he sits next to her, looking pleased with herself.

«How did you like Shelby’s company so far?»

It’s such a weird thing to ask, as if her daughter was a product, so Toni just replies: «You raised a very smart woman, Ms. Goodkind.»

He looks taken aback, as if “smart” wasn’t quite what he was looking for, but he still smiles, and stands up. «I wouldn’t mind seeing the two of you interacting some more in the future.» He finishes, just as creepily, albeit he almost looks as if he would like to say the opposite.

♠♠♠

Dinner is fun. Toni steals glances at Shelby from time to time, paying general compliments to the cooks, even if she knows Shelby and her mom had something to do with it, seeing Shelby smile to herself.

Toni might even like it, spending all summer here.

When Dave engages in yet another mildly political discourse with her, that starts with asking Toni how she found herself in going to a public school, and degenerates into a confrontation between private school run by nuns, public one and homeschooling.

«All I’m saying is that you can’t protect your kids, if you aren’t there.» Is Dave’s umpteenth defence for homeschooling.

And sure, Toni might see the appeal in it, but it sounds so controlling that she can’t help but feeling the urge to fight him on that.

«Mr. Goodkind, you said you know about biology over lunch, correct?» She starts, and she knows she sounds mildly accusing, mildly ready to make fun of him, but he straightens his back and nods.

«Then you surely know how antibodies work. If you don’t expose your body to new things in small doses, you’ll get killed, when it all crashes down on you. And it won’t be optional, you won’t be able to protect those kids forever.»

She knows precisely what she’s referring to, in her head. How she has never been exposed to affection and tender attention as a child, so that when she finally had it, she couldn’t take it. And Toni is sure she never will. Damaged goods. The Regan accident. Her anger issues. Martha drifting apart.

It’s an inconvenient moment, to have an existential crisis. Toni can think about it later.

«I understand your point of view, Tony, even if I don’t agree. We are gonna keep these kids safe  _ forever _ , be sure of that.» 

Even if it’s supposed to be reassuring, all it sounds to her, is menacing.

♠ 2 july 2025 ♠

Toni attends her very first service ever, the next morning. But because she’s trying to pass as Christian in her host’s eyes, she tries to playback the words, stand up when others do, sit or kneel when asked.

♠♠♠

A pattern is set, that very first week. Toni wakes up, gets dressed, has breakfast with everyone else, goes back to her room to brush her teeth, and goes to work on her thesis with her laptop on the patio.

She works until midday, when she has lunch with everyone else, then she goes back outside to work a bit more, until she finishes around five in the afternoon.

She helps Alex take care of the children — strictly boys — after that, until dinner.

♠♠♠

Shelby’s schedule changes, after Toni arrives.

The first thing is how she seems to have a harder time sleeping. How she replays the tiniest way Toni subtly fights her dad, and how her dad picks most of it, and lets it go, but a very few of them fly over his head. It’s a little thing, and Shelby feels guilty for how elated she feels by that. She’s been daddy’s girl for most of her life, and she still loves her family, she loves everyone, but there’s just something so satisfying in seeing him  _ lose  _ for once, that Shelby can’t fight. Because Dave Goodkind has always had what he ever wanted, the way he wanted. Perhaps that’s why he can’t understand people’s struggles, as he’s living his best life. Can’t understand Shelby’s.

“God doesn’t do ugly”, and “he expects us to be what He intended us to. Perfect, saint” — and fuck, Shelby is trying.

She is trying, and she tries to like Toni like that. But the only way she can make the thought bearable, is imagining him as a she, and that is somewhere she can’t allow her mind to go.

So Shelby admires him, his passion, that albeit restricted still shines through, and admires his gentleness, around children and everyone in the village.

But Shelby knows that she will never grow to love a man. She’s starting to lose hope in miracles, too.

♠♠♠

Shelby’s schedule changes, and it changes drastically. She’s no longer supposed to spend all of her time with the mothers, helping them with their children, with homeschooling the kids, and in the afternoon with watching over the young girls.

Now she has to split that with paying attention to Toni, under her mother’s suggestion: to make him take breaks, to sit with him on the patio, with bringing him water and a fruit in the afternoon.

♠ 3 july 2025 ♠

The first time Toni seems surprised, as if he wasn’t used to being given gifts. Shelby finds it strange and feels curiosity pulling her closer.

«Thanks, Shelby.» He says, that Monday morning, accepting the glass of iced water and lemon Shelby offers.

Shelby nods, and hovers for a moment, before taking a step back. Until Toni’s voice makes her stop: «What- what have you been up to, this morning?»

Toni eyes at a chair across from hers, and so Shelby takes a seat.

«Uhm, just the usual. Helping with homeschooling.» Shelby knows it’s supposed to be a men’s job, but they’re needed out in the field, so that’s a compromise they’re having until the village will have more hands.

«Cool. What subjects?»

«Maths and history this morning.»

Toni chuckles, «Poor kids. Must be boring as hell.»

Shelby doesn’t know if it’s the use of “hell”, the hypocrisy of Toni saying that while working on his thesis, or the fact that that might be the only way out of the village for these kids.

Perhaps it’s the intruding thought that Shelby shouldn’t have, because the Goodkind village is beautiful, more beautiful than the world out there.

Perhaps it’s all that, or the mere vision of Toni and the power he will have on her life, and he doesn’t even know yet, but Shelby feels furious like she never has before. She stands up and leaves without another word.

♠♠♠

When, that afternoon, her mom basically shoves her towards the guy, Shelby tries to make her best fake smile and bring Toni a plate of apple slices.

«Here, for you.»

Toni stops whatever he’s doing and moves the laptop away, taking the plate in his hands and placing him on the table.

«Are you busy right now?» He asks her, and she shakes her head. She’d be lying if she said she was, as much as she wanted to avoid him, but Shelby doesn’t lie.

Once Shelby takes a seat, Toni asks her: «Are you, like, a hardcore maths and history fan?»

Shelby huffs a laugh and shakes her head — but Toni doesn’t apologize. Only now Shelby might see how he’s just like any other guy. Not even realizing he has to, probably thinking  _ she  _ has to, for storming out.

♠♠♠

Toni has never been good with apologizing. No one ever taught her how to, and she’s always been competitive even in the emotional field, so that apologizing feels like losing, like the other person might think you’re weak and leave you behind.

Toni has no idea what she did wrong, and she’s had her mind full with that single thought all day, ever since that morning. She barely knows Shelby, as she’s spoken to her exactly one afternoon so far, but Toni knows sadness when she sees it.

She’s not a philanthropist, but fuck, having Dave as a dad must be exhausting — if that’s what’s all going on here. Uncharacteristically, she wishes she could help.

«I’m not.» Shelby answers her question, in a bitter tone.

«Do you want some?» Toni then asks, opting for an olive branch, pushing the plate between them.

Shelby eyes it, then looks back at her. And again, she looks as if she’s studying her, ready to observe what Toni’s reaction will be, much like two days before, over the pad thing.

«I can’t. I need to watch my figure.»

«It’s just apples.»

«I said I can’t.»

Toni doesn’t know what to say, or how to tell her that she really has nothing to worry about. She wishes she could say it in a non-creepy, non-sexual way, but how neutral a comment about one’s fitness can be? So she asks instead: «May I ask you why?»

Shelby laughs to herself a bit, «You really aren’t from around here, are you. See you at dinner, Toni.»

And with that, she leaves.

♠♠♠

The rest of the days go by in pretty much the same fashion: Toni does her thing on the patio, Shelby steps by twice a day, and she seems like she only means to stay there for a couple of seconds, leaving the plate or the glass of whatever, but it always ends up being a couple of minutes, stretching the time to hours when the topic gets particularly good.

«The bible says it too, doesn’t it? The truth will make you free or whatever.»

Shelby chuckles, «It’s actually  _ “ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free” _ , John 8:23»

Toni raises her brows, «You know the whole book by heart?»

«Pieces of it. Don’t say out loud that you don’t around my dad, or he’ll send you home.»

Toni joins Shelby’s chuckles, feeling a bit nervous, because she literally doesn’t know a single line, and has never even touched a bible before. Not that it’s something she plans on doing.

«It was a joke.» Shelby says, and Toni wonders what her face must look, if her panic is reflecting on her features as well.

«Yeah, yeah, I know.» Toni looks for everything to say, not to make her think she wants Shelby gone. «It’s just, I mean. It’s just a book. Shouldn’t spirituality be less… concrete?»

Shelby furrows her brows, «What do you mean?»

It’s peculiar, how every time Toni says something like that, Dave would get all defensive, while Shelby would look open and curious.

«I mean,» she recalls a quote from somewhere during a lesson, «Even Galileo said it. The bible needs interpretation, because it’s been written by people, not by god himself.»

«It’s been written under the Spirit’s dictation.»

Toni would feel like laughing, if she was speaking to anyone else, but Shelby says it like it’s the most evident thing ever, so Toni can only take it seriously.

«Sure, but imagine if I dictate something to you right now. You might still write it down wrong, because you’re only human.»

Shelby looks like considering it for a moment, before deliberating: «I guess it makes sense. Too bad faith isn’t a matter of rationality.»

And with that, she leaves.

♠ 10 july 2025 ♠

The next week it’s raining cats and dogs.

Shelby sees Toni wander around the house with her laptop in hand, looking for a place to spend his time. Shelby is sitting at the large desk with five kids around her, as they keep them separated to make them focus.

When Toni catches her eyes, he leans on the doorframe, as if to take the picture in. It’s weird, and it settles something bad and good at once in Shelby’s stomach. She wishes it was someone else, looking at the picture like that, but she doesn’t mind being looked at.

«There’s coach Toni!» one of the kids says, standing up and running towards him, and soon enough, the rest are trying to climb up his legs, as he holds one between his arms.

Shelby feels annoyed, because it’s not easy to get them to focus, as she’s the one in charge of teaching the younger kids, from five to seven years old.

Toni must have sensed it, because he lets the kid down and tells the rest to go back to studying.

«Do you need a hand?» He asks then, taking a few steps towards her.

Shelby doesn’t know what possesses her, and perhaps it’s the “ _ I come in and catch all the attention _ ” or “ _ I come in and ruin all your work for the morning _ ” or even “ _ the kids love me more than they love you even if I’m the new one here, because I just make them play all the time _ ” — but Shelby answers, with a bit of vexation, «Don’t you have a thesis to work on?»

He lifts a brow, and Shelby hates even more how he looks amused, as if Shelby couldn’t pose a threat, because she’s a woman. She decides: he’s a hypocrite, and he’s just as sexist as everyone else.

«One day won’t hurt. Only if I’m not messing things up, that’s it.»

«Please teacher Shelby, can he stay?» One of the kids asks, and Shelby feels cornered, so she just sighs, nods, and tells Toni to «Sit on the other end. We’re doing geography now.»

♠♠♠

If Toni doesn’t know a single shit about geography, that’s probably her fault, but in her defence, there’s gps. Or, at least, there is outside of the Goodkind village. Toni has to recharge her laptop with a battery power bank, as there is no electricity — and no hot water either, if you don’t warm it on the stove. So she’s spending much more money than she wishes she would, but she is staying at the Goodkind village for free, so she guesses she’s actually saving up on food and rent — if she had to pay for one.

Toni doesn’t know shit about geography, and Shelby must have sensed that, because every time a kid asks her something, she deflects. «What do you think?» and «Let’s read what the book says about that.»

♠♠♠

«So you only know about sports?» Shelby asks her, indeed, as the kids go take a break a few minutes before lunch. Toni notices how Shelby isn’t cooking for lunch, during weekdays, but only for dinner. She guesses it’s because of the homeschooling thing.

Toni huffs, «Geography isn’t my forte, just that.»

«That’s an understatement. You didn’t even know many states there are in the world.»

«Why would I need to know that?»

«Don’t say that around the kids.» Shelby says, and Toni really doesn’t know why sometimes she gets defensive over nothing. She elaborates: «We try not to teach them to study because it’s useful, but because it’s, well. Beautiful.»

It’s cheesy, and Toni has never ever seen culture like that, never understood novelists and poets and artists in general, people who spend their lives over things that won’t bring them money, as it’s money what rules the world right now.

So she says exactly that: «Cheesy. And an illusion, if you ask me. They’ll find it beautiful just because they’re kids, and kids find everything new and exciting.»

Toni wonders if the previous week’s little friction about math and history has something to do with that as well.

«You’re cynical, to be a Christian.» She says warily, and all of a sudden, Toni sees her for who she is: Dave’s daughter. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree, apparently.

«Maybe there isn’t just a way to be a christian, you know. My relationship with the big guy is my business and mine only.»

Toni doesn’t mean to be harsh, she never does, but she storms out, leaving Shelby behind.

That lunch they don’t talk.

♠♠♠

Toni’s words echo in Shelby’s mind. Not only one way to be a Christian. Shelby never thought about that, as it’s pretty much the very opposite thing of what she’s been shoved down her throat for all of her life.

What other ways would there be, then?

That night, Shelby can’t sleep.

♠♠♠

Toni has to admit, she feels the privilege, living that life. Men are served as if they were kings here, and for the briefest and least ethical of her moments, she wonders what it would have been like being born a guy. She knows better than to fall for a straight girl, but what if she was allowed to, and to be loved back?

Those first two weeks, a quarter in the time Toni has to spend here, have been quiet. Calm. Toni hasn’t lost her temper once. No challenges, no inconveniences, no mistakes. The only times she got close was every time she talked to Shelby, and Toni can’t quite put a finger on it, but she can tell Shelby doesn’t like her very much.

She can also tell there’s something going on with her. Always tense, always plastic cheeriness. Toni isn’t stupid, she can see right past it. She just wonders if the remaining month and a half will be enough for her curiosity to find out.

♠ 25 july 2025 ♠

Everything comes crashing down on a Friday afternoon, one week before the start of August. The first month is almost over, and Toni is halfway through. It’s a bit scary, how she got used to it. The online sessions with Ms. Klein are actually better than the live ones, as Toni can do whatever in the meantime, even if she has to buy extra batteries for it. She sends her drafts to her tutoring professor, and he always has good advice for her.

But the equilibrium made of little bantering and occasional storming off, a bit of avoidance and pretending the argument never happened with Shelby — it all comes crashing down on a Friday afternoon.

Toni is teaching the kids basketball, and since they don’t have a basket, she’s asked Andrew and another guy to hold their arms in a hoop the whole time.

It’s priceless, how they looked all enthusiastic at the prospect of being useful, and now just look borderline homicidal.

Toni is explaining a bit of tactic, simulating it with four other kids, passing and dribbling in a softer way than she’s used to, almost in slow motion.

It happens quickly: a kid throws the ball, that it’s a soccer ball, so it isn’t as hard as the one they’re supposed to use, but thrown at that speed it can still be a bit dangerous, and the other kid who should have stopped it, misses it. So now the ball is flowing past their makeshift court on the little garden, and before anyone can register it — before Toni can register it — it takes Shelby right on the forehead.

She was bringing whatever book to the girls on the other end of the courtyard, and now the book is on the grass, and she’s holding her hands on her face, and Toni is freezing on the spot. As if she was the one punching Shelby right in the face.

It’s Andrew who runs to her and asks her if she’s okay, and Toni realizes she’s just staying there, so feeling angry for whatever reason, she turns around to scold the guys.

«You need to be careful, understood? What was that, Mike, huh? Do you think that’s how you play?» Toni doesn’t even realize how she’s sounding like her own coach, always making the team feel guilty if anyone makes the slightest mistake — or her foster parents, when she accidentally broke something.

Control is slipping past Toni’s fingers, and she’s thankful — even if it fuels her anger even more, making her feel helpless — when the other basket-making guy steps in and tells her he’ll handle it from now.

«They’re just kids, Toni.» Is the last straw, before Toni starts to leave.

When she turns around, Shelby isn’t there.

♠♠♠

She finds her in the kitchen, and Toni wasn’t looking for her, but she couldn’t keep still, and didn’t know where to go. She had nothing to help her with her anger here, no punching bag, no running shoes, no shooting video games. Toni wonders why the hell Ms. Klein even thought that would be a good idea for her.

And, sure, rationally Toni knows it wasn’t her fault, but anger isn’t rational. It makes her feel guilty and, well, angry, in a way that her vision gets foggy and she has to let her energy out of her body.

It isn’t foggy enough for Toni not to distinguish Shelby, sitting next to Andrew, ice on her head.

When Andrew sees her, he just leaves with a polite smile.

Toni stands there, in the middle of the kitchen, as Shelby won’t quite meet her eyes.

«You’re turning these kids violent.» Is the first thing she tells her, lifting her eyes, cold and hard and unforgiving.

Toni feels seven all over again. Scolded, on the verge of crying, feeling unworthy of parental love.

But Shelby sighs, and looks elsewhere, «They were already meant to grow up like- everyone else here, but at least they didn’t have this  _ competition  _ you’re forcing them into.»

Toni doesn’t know what to say, because she doesn’t even know what Shelby means by that.

So, feeling just as guilty as before, she leaves.

♠♠♠

Shelby no longer visits her on the patio, that last week of July.

And by the time August starts, there are a lot more kids sucking up everyone’s energy and attention.

♠♠♠

Toni still works on the patio, as the multiplied kids scream and play right in front of her, in the boundless fields of the Goodkind village. Andrew and a few other guys take care of it, and Toni occasionally sees Shelby too, but she can tell it’s not her duty to help them out.

Toni wonders what she’s doing, while the lessons are suspended.

She wonders if she’s still mad at her — even if Toni stopped helping Andrew with sports in the afternoon, after the accident.

♠ 5 august 2025 ♠

«He’s a good man, Shelby.» Her mother tells her, towards the end of the first week of August, cornering her with her dad as she’s making her way outside, in one of the hallways.

«I mean, we wished for you someone like Andrew,» Her father supplies, and Shelby knows precisely what he means: someone more boyish, “a real man”, if their assumptions about Toni’s sexuality are even correct to begin with. He’s probably referring to his more progressive views on women as well, his faint aversion to authority too. «But Andrew is better off with Christa, so Antonio will do. Don’t lose this chance, because it’s not every day that we have a young unmarried Christian boy paying us a visit.»

«It’s clearly a sign from God.» Her mother adds, and well, Shelby hates how it feels exactly like that. Because ever since Toni came around, all of Shelby’s old fears resurfaced: marriage, motherhood, sexuality, violence. Being caged even more than she already is.

(But that’s the good and kind way of living, and perhaps Toni truly is God-sent, and Shelby is messing up with God’s plans. She only wishes she could despise him a little less. A wolf under sheeps’ clothes is even worse than a recognizable one.)

♠ 8 august 2025♠

So Shelby talks to him, after two weeks of radio silence, a Thursday evening.

After dinner Shelby noticed how Toni spends a few hours in one of the living rooms, under candle light, to read. Most people at the village do, as bedrooms are only equipped with beds and not chairs, so that’s only natural.

She finds him easily enough, right after clearing the dishes, and he’s alone in the room.

He looks surprised upon seeing her. Surprised and  _ sad _ , in a way Shelby hasn’t seen him yet.

«Can I?» Shelby just asks, eyeing the spot next to Toni. He nods, closing the book, keeping the sign with a finger.

«Does it still hurt?» Is the first thing he asks her, voice dripping with uncertainty.

«It wasn’t that bad, it’s way past healed by now. Don’t worry.»

He nods, and puts the book away altogether — Shelby catches the title, “ _ Anger-Taming Techniques _ ”.

She looks back at him, and sees how he noticed her staring. He pursues his lips, biting his lower one, as if he wishes he didn’t have to say it, but nonetheless he goes: «It’s the reason I’m here, actually.»

And, well, that’s everything Shelby ever feared. Having to marry a violent man.

♠♠♠

Toni sees it right away. The fear written across her face, as if she wished she could just run away and never speak to her ever again.

The very same fear Regan used to show.

As she feels her eyes burn and her throat tighten, she smiles humorlessly, «Fuck. Just two more weeks and you’ll never have to see me again though.»

«I wouldn’t be so sure about that.»

Toni has no idea what she means by that, so, eyes wide, she asks: «What do you mean?»

♠♠♠

Shelby knows it’s early to explain. She doesn’t know how much she can trust him, either. Trust him not to run away and leave her there to rot.

(But the Goodkind village is the best place she can be.)

It’s a losing game, either way: staying here, or going somewhere else, with someone who’s reading a self-help book about violence management.

«You come from the outside. Why do people usually marry there, Toni?»

Toni blinks, and Shelby can tell he hasn’t been asked that question before.

«Because they fall in love, I guess.»

Shelby nods, pensive. «What do you think about it?»

«If that’s what it makes them happy, then sure, why not-»

«I meant, what would  _ you  _ marry for?»

♠♠♠

Toni wouldn’t. Well, she  _ would _ , if she was anyone else, but she isn’t, so she knows she never will.

«It’s different for me.»

«Different how?»

«I don’t think anyone would want to marry me, honestly.»

Shelby looks at her, with those big green eyes and slightly furrowed brows that scream curiosity, and for the briefest moment, Toni wonders if Shelby is one of those kids who still study because they find it beautiful.

♠ 9 august 2025 ♠

Shelby starts bringing her snacks and — no alcohol, no sugar — drinks, from the next day.

It’s weird, because Toni swore she didn’t like Toni very much, and if Toni has to be honest, Shelby embodies most things she tries to fight, out in the real world. Bigotry, dogmatism, women’s oppression. Toni guesses it’s only fitting if Shelby is homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic as well. The whole conservative package.

But as long as they can keep these curtsies, Toni doesn’t mind. She just has three weeks to go, after all.

♠ 28 august 2025 ♠

Until it’s the last Saturday, and Dave pays Toni a visit on the patio.

«Mr. Goodkind.» She says, nodding a little, closing the laptop in front of her.

He takes a step next to her, and looks in front of him, at the kids playing and the adults watching them.

«How has it been, staying here with us, Toni?»

Toni feels a bit extra, so she pushes her act a bit, since it’s almost over now: «A blessing, sir.»

He looks pleased, «You know, I wasn’t so sure of you at the very beginning, because of your views on what women’s place should be.» He starts, and Toni doesn’t know what “sure” stands for, but she keeps listening.

«But I’ve seen how you treat children, how you pay your duties in service, how you work hard on your job, how you treat Shelby.»

Toni feels even more lost, if anything. What does his daughter have to do with her stay?

«I’ve been waiting for you to come to me, but I guess we’ll do it the untraditional way, since you’re an untraditional guy.»

Toni has only time to blink and starts a draft of question: «I don’t think I understand-»

«You have my blessing, Toni. To marry my daughter. We have everything set for tomorrow’s ceremony here at the chapel, and in the afternoon you can go sign the papers at the nearby municipality.»

Toni is left working her jaw a few times, because,  _ what the fuck? _

«Speechless, right? I’m sure you’ll know how to treasure my daughter, Toni. I’ll be in my office, if you need me.»

And with that, he just leaves.

♠♠♠

Toni leaves everything there and goes looking for Shelby. She finds her outside, watching over the girls playing house, sitting next to a few other women.

Before Shelby can see her, a woman whispers something to Shelby, and her green eyes find Toni’s immediately.

Toni still says it: «Can I have a word?»

Another woman mutters a: «Trouble in paradise.» and the rest snicker, and Toni wonders what the actual fuck, for the second time.

♠♠♠

They opt for a walk around the courtyard, keeping their distance from one another. Toni feels heaviness sit on her chest, as she feels left in the dark of whatever everyone’s been plotting behind her back.

«Did you know?»

«Know what?»

«That your dad would come and tell me I have his blessing to  _ marry you _ , Shelby.»

Shelby is quiet for a moment. «Kind of.»

Toni exhales, feeling like she could punch someone right now, «And you didn’t think you should have told me?»

«Isn’t it good? You said you didn’t think anyone would want to marry you-»

«Your dad wants you to marry me, it’s a bit different.»

Shelby, indeed, doesn’t correct her. She doesn’t tell her that she wants to marry Toni, and it’s an even more sickening thought, arranged marriage in the twenty-first century.

Toni doesn’t even know where to start with her questions. The first thing is probably why someone like Shelby — the most stunning looking woman Toni has ever laid eyes upon — has to rely on something like that.

Toni asks instead: «Why?»

Shelby shrugs. «He just wants me to marry, and time is running out.»

That’s even worse, somehow. «What the fuck, Shelby? You’re not some sort of product with an expiration date. We’re not doing this.»

Toni thought Shelby would have felt relieved, seeing how Toni wasn’t going to take advantage of the situation, but she looks _ pissed _ , for some reason. «Don’t do that, Toni. Don’t go preaching things you don’t believe in.»

Toni frowns, «I do believe in it. You can marry whenever you feel ready, to  _ whoever  _ you want to, out of love-»

« _ Shut up! _ Shut up, shut up, just- shut up.» Shelby says, and with every word, she’s picking at the skin around her nails, in a nervous and kind of obsessive way. Toni extends a hand to stop her, before blood spills, but touching her while they’re in this situation feels even worse, so she pushes them in her pants pockets once more.

They walk in silence for a moment, before Shelby, now calmed down, speaks again: «I can’t force you to marry me, but, if you do — will you bring me away from here?»

Something breaks in Toni’s heart, and Shelby doesn’t need to make eye contact, for Toni to pick up that she’s crying, from the tone of her voice.

Toni gulps. «Of course.»

That night, Toni doesn’t sleep.

She feels like she doesn’t know a single thing about what’s happening there, but if someone is willing to marry a stranger just to get out, it can’t be good.

♠ 30 august 2025 ♠

The marriage is awful. It’s slow, and Toni has to wear a three piece suit, and even if Shelby tells her she looks handsome, Toni can tell she’s just as sad as she’s ever been.

Shelby, on the other hand, looks beautiful, but that’s unsurprising.

When Dave says «You may now kiss the bride.», what follows is the most chaste barely brushing of lips Toni has ever experienced, and she feels twelve all over again.

♠♠♠

It’s official, Shelby is trapped. With a probably gay man, so that’s good, as he probably won’t try anything on her, but still a violent one. And a hypocrite.

But as they’re celebrating with a slightly bigger lunch than usual, that morning’s service, now both of them now changed into more sober clothes, Toni asks her father what about starting a new implantation of the Goodkind village outside of Texas, to make it more accessible for others.

Dave looks elated, and he comments how he knew he chose the right guy.

Shelby feels like she can’t breathe.

♠♠♠

«When I asked you- I didn’t mean a new village, Toni.» She manages to say, shortly after, as both of them are walking to Dave’s car, who’s ready to accompany them to the nearest city to make it official.

Toni stops, «I’m not actually doing that. It was to have an excuse to leave.»

Shelby hadn’t thought about that, as, when she asked Toni to bring her away, she didn’t even take into consideration how her dad would have never allowed that.

«Go grab everything you want to take with you. We’re leaving right after.»

But Shelby has nothing, and the only thing she’d like to do would be kissing Spencer and Melody and her mother goodbye, but that she can’t do.

♠♠♠

Toni asks Dave to wait outside of the room, saying something about how he wished not to be seen crying, in case he does, and Shelby feels just as disappointed as she does every time the topic is used.

As soon as Dave is outside, and the two of them are alone with the notary, Toni turns to her.

«We don’t actually have to do it.»

«He’ll want to see the document.»

«We can ask for a fake one.»

Shelby doesn’t know why, but she has a bad feeling about it. Toni, probably sensing it, adds: «If you actually want to do this, know that it stays in your record, even after the divorce.»

The  _ divorce _ . That is something Christians don’t believe in, if it’s not preceded by annulment, which usually takes years.

There’s something oddly relieving about knowing that Toni doesn’t even take it as a hypothesis, but intends to free Shelby as soon as she can.

♠♠♠

Toni knows their marriage won’t be even valid to begin with, so there won’t be a need for an actual divorce: when Shelby will want to marry, they’ll just see that no “Antonio Shalifoe” exists in the statal database or whatever.

So they sign the paper, and as soon as they’re out, Dave hugs them both.

Even if it’s a fake, the ring on Toni’s finger weighs more than it should.

«So, when are you leaving?»

«Actually, sir, I was thinking straight away.»

♠♠♠

They depart in front of the building, Dave leaving with just the instruction to keep in contact — through  _ letters _ , and fuck, if it feels good to leave The Dark Ages and go back to civility.

So Toni rents a car, and she brings Shelby back to Minnesota.

♠♠♠

«So, a few things. We’re not actually married. I gave a fake document.»

They’ve been driving for a couple of minutes, the radio filling the car, and Shelby felt relaxed as never before.

«What?»

«Yeah, second thing, you’re gonna crash at the Blackburns’ for two weeks, until I graduate, then we’ll take you an apartment or whatever.»

Shelby slowly realizes that she literally just left everything that’s been her life in the past twenty-two years up to now, and she’s relaying on a person she’s met two months ago.

«Third thing, I can finally take these things off now.»

Shelby would have been concerned, because she doesn’t have a licence, but she’s pretty sure unbuckling on a highway isn’t exactly safe. But Toni is taking sort of bandages from under her shirt, and the next thing Shelby knows, is that she’s taking her beard off as well.

«I’m a girl.» Toni points out, and Shelby feels her head spinning.

_ What? _

♠♠♠

Toni knows she should have said it before. But she also didn’t want to give Shelby the change to make her cover blow up, so she changed her big plans to “come out” on the last day: Dave would have never let her rescue Shelby instead.

Well, not rescue. She hates that word.

She knows she should have said it before because theirs was an arranged marriage, and Shelby looked as straight as a stick, so she might have had second thoughts about the whole thing.

But, well, it wasn’t even a valid one, so she really can’t complain. Toni is going to even take care of her for as long as she needs, so.

What Toni doesn’t expect is Shelby’s hysterical laughter, laughing as she never heard her do before, full and exploding and  _ free _ .

It makes Toni laugh too.

Windows down, music blasting from the radio, a whole life ahead of them.

♠♠♠

«So what’s your actual name?» Shelby asks her, first thing, after their laugh vanishes, and an easy smile takes place on her lips.

«Antoinette, but everyone calls me Toni.»

« _ Antoinette? _ »

«Please don’t call me that. Not even Marty calls me that.»

«Marty?»

«Oh, you’re gonna meet her soon, don’t worry.»

♠ 31 august 2025 ♠

They stop midway to let Toni sleep, and the journey takes more or less twenty hours.

Shelby has slept most of the first half of it, because of the tiredness of having rolled and twisted and turned in her bed for the entirety of the previous night.

Now that she’s wide awake, and she lets herself look at Toni’s sleepy face, in her half-reclined seat, she has some time to think.

It’s weird, how she feels safer now. Far away from home, in a car with basically a stranger, with no idea who these Blackburn people are, if Toni is actually bringing her somewhere safe, if she’s an actually reliable person.

She’s still trying to process the fact that she’s a girl, first thing.

She wasn’t wrong about her aspect: she’s even more beautiful, up close, without the cheap fake beard on, jawline on display, soft lips and long lashes. Honestly, Shelby feels kind of stupid for not noticing before, as the long hair might have been a clue — even if that’s just a cultural thing, but still.

She feels a bit reassured, even if Toni still came to the Goodkind village for her anger issues. Perhaps Shelby has some internalized misogyny herself, but she feels safer, knowing that Toni is actually a girl.

This is the most potential Shelby has ever had. A blank page in front of her, a pen Toni has given in her hands, and Shelby hasn’t been taught to write that kind of language yet, but she can’t wait to learn.

♠♠♠

She actually tells Toni, during the second half of their journey.

«So you’re basically Jared.» Toni comments, after Shelby explained what she feels is the most serious metaphor she ever came up with.

«Who?»

«Jared, nineteen, never fucking learned how to read?»

Shelby stared at her in confusion, «Oh, Shelby, you have a whole world of internet culture ahead of you. I hope you’re ready.»

And,  _ fuck  _ — she doesn’t even cuss — if Shelby isn’t ready.

♠♠♠

Shelby actually has nothing. She has the long cotton dress she always wears, one of the many ones, and that’s about it. She didn’t even bring her toothbrush.

But the Blackburns are nice, and Bernice is impossibly sweet, so she reassures her that Toni always comes without warning, so they’re equipped.

♠♠♠

The Blackburn’s house is nice and small, way smaller than the village Shelby comes from, with a little garden, a little living room, one bathroom and two bedrooms.

Martha and Toni fight for who gets to sleep with Bernice, and play it over tossing a coin, that has Toni winning.

♠♠♠

That first night, Shelby is introduced to the world of herbal teas and Native heritage.

The four of them are sitting around a wooden table, steaming cups of “calming soup”, as Toni calls it, in front of them, as Bernice overshares how Toni came to live with them, during her last two years of high school.

«So she literally broke Regan’s rear window with her backpack, and because Toni was living under their roof, it would have been a mess going back into the system so Martha suggested we’d take care of it-»

Shelby’s mind has stopped following the story ever since Martha said  _ “Regan, the girl Toni had a crush on ever since she walked in the biology class that first time, who became her girlfriend later thanks to me, I’m the best wingwoman-” _

Her mind stopped, for a couple of reasons. The first was how casually Martha said it, and how Bernice had no reactions, as if that was normal. The second was how Toni blushed, as if being reminded of the scene all over again, and when Martha kept teasing her about her lack of flirting skills and nervousness, Shelby’s mind filled with the words “cute” and  _ “normal” _ .

The third was that Toni was, apparently, gay.

♠ 1 september 2025 ♠

Shelby helps Bernice cook because that’s what she does best: she helps her cleaning and she helps her with whatever house chore she can.

Toni left after the second day because she had to submit the thesis, and prepare for the questions they might ask her when discussing it during the graduation ceremony.

All Shelby can think of is: nice.

When Martha asks her if she wants to try and leave her application to the place she’s working as a waitress, and when, after Shelby asks her what a resumé is, they both worked on it together.

When Martha brings her to the lakeside to toss some stones like Toni and her used to, and Shelby asks for some anecdotes on their childhood, and Martha provides tons of them.

When Martha introduces her to the world of movies, and musicals, and tv shows. And Shelby sees representation, displayed in a way that makes it understandable how it wasn’t a big deal that Toni had Regan, and Regan had Toni, once upon a time.

When Martha brings her to bowling, and all Shelby can think of is how Becca would have loved this kind of freedom, these many games and stimuli and distractions, these experiences to bond over and the centrality of emotions over duties.

Shelby can only think about how Martha is her first actual friend, now that Becca there’s no more.

♠ 17 september 2025 ♠

They’re invited to Toni’s graduation.

It looks a bit like a service, as it’s the only thing she can compare it to.

Shelby doesn’t know the work that goes behind it, so she can only clap by the time it is over like everyone else in the room, and feel proud, for whatever Toni accomplished today.

Shelby feels _proud_ of her.

(That’s new, and that feels good.)

♠♠♠

«I mean, a scout already noticed me during last season university games, so I have a place in their field assured already.»

«I know, but what does Ms. Klein say? Isn’t it bad for you, playing in an even bigger league?»

Shelby isn’t sure what the matter is, but by the time they’re celebrating with lunch at a little diner near the Blackburn’s house, Bernice is trying to discourage Toni from joining a basketball team.

Toni wiggles her brows, «The biggest league actually.» Before turning serious: «You know she never actually helped me, right?»

«Well, she told you to go to that village, wasn’t that helpful?»

Toni eyes Shelby, before changing the subject. «I just have a few years before I’ll be too old to play. I can be a coach then, there’s no point in throwing it all away already.»

«There is a point if it steals your  _ peace _ , Toni! No one expects you to be an athlete, and you can still play with your friends.»

Shelby follows the exchange like it’s a tennis match — she watched one with Martha, and she understood the appeal in sports only then — feeling like Bernice knows best.

She hasn’t seen Toni get angry yet, but if she had to go to therapy because of it, Shelby can only guess it’s not something to underestimate.

**♠♠♠**

Shelby keeps on living at the Blackburns’ for a few months.

She works with Martha, uses the money to take evening classes to become an elementary teacher, until the months become years.

Toni comes to visit, from time to time. Playing in a team means moving with the team, everywhere they need to play, everywhere they need to train, and Toni gets sold and bought, bouncing from this team to the next every couple of months.

She’s on the news — on the niche ones, the ones that care about the women’s league — calling her the best shooting guard out there.

Every time Toni comes home to them, they bicker, just like they did back in the village.

♠ 7 october 2026 ♠

«You may be whatever star athlete, but in here you need to help like everyone else.» Shelby tells her, a year later or so.

It’s the second time she visits, and it’s been months since the last time she saw her, during the spring. Shelby feels angry, angry in the exact same way she’s used to: angry for being left behind, angry for not being allowed to have what she wants.

It’s confusing, because Shelby doesn’t even  _ know  _ what she wants, actually.

All she knows is that she hates reading the news — the only paper that dutifully reports how Toni is doing, since she’s too careless to call them — but she still does.

She does, and she’s angry, and it’s confusing.

It’s a Sunday morning, and Shelby will be late for service if someone doesn’t help her clear the dishes, and because Shelby never asks Bernice for help and Martha is out for a walk, there’s only Toni, lazing around on the sofa, like she always does.

She hears her chuckling from behind her back, «To help I need to know help is needed in the first place,  _ teacher _ .»

The most confusing thing about it all is how Toni bites back just with the same intensity.

«I’m not a teacher yet. Grab this.»

«Thank god. Oh, no, too bad he doesn’t actually exist.»

«Actually, you know what? I got this, you can go back minding your business.»

«Too late, I’m helping now.»

♠ 13 september 2029 ♠

Shelby gets her first job exactly three years later.

It’s been  _ just  _ three years, considering the twenty two that preceded that, but it feels like ages — for how full her days are now, how non-repetitive they are, how she could summarize her first two decades on this earth in a single, typical day.

Hell, Shelby saw more during that first week at the Blackburns’ than in her entire life. Things that aren’t written in scholastic books, and neither in the novels that Dave allowed around the village.

Shelby gets her first job three years later, and the first thing she does, is renting an apartment close to it. Not to weigh on Bernice any more, to be finally totally independent.

♠ 21 november 2029 ♠

There’s a ringing at her door, and Shelby isn’t expecting anyone: not a neighbour, not a colleague, not Martha or the people she knows from the church.

When she opens, it’s Toni who’s standing behind it.

«What the fuck, Shelby? I came to visit and you weren’t there, and Martha told me you moved without even telling me?»

Of course Toni doesn’t even say hi, she just steps inside, as if it wasn’t even on the table the chance that she  _ couldn’t _ .

Shelby clenches her fists. «How could I tell you, Toni? You’re always God knows where, doing God knows what all the time. I don’t even have your number!»

«That’s because you don’t have a phone, Shelby.»

«I actually do now.»

«Do you have Martha’s?»

«Yes, because she actually  _ talks  _ to me.» 

Toni rolls her eyes, «Then you could have asked her.» She stands there for a moment, both of them do, in Shelby’s corridor, just looking at each other.

When Toni calms down, she leans with a hand on the wall, the other one running over her eyes. «I just thought something happened.»

«What could have happened?» 

Toni shakes her head, «I don’t know.»

But Toni looks concerned, and sure, she’s the worst at commitment, but now she’s in Shelby’s house so the least she can do is being a good host.

«Would you like something to drink?»

♠♠♠

One thing — the  _ only  _ thing — Shelby likes about Toni’s constant absence is how Shelby feels autonomous. Toni literally rescued her, and if she was to ask Shelby to pay her debt back, Shelby knows she wouldn’t be strong enough to deny that. Well, perhaps “strong” isn’t the fitting word. The thing is that Shelby grew up with a strong sense of duty, and every time she spends time with Toni — the few times they’re not too busy bickering — she can’t help but wonder where she’d be now, if it wasn’t for her.

So, bickering it is. To distract Shelby from the weight of that thought, to vent on Toni’s absence, to run after that sort of pleasing tension she always feels around her.

And that, that last thought, is something Shelby has been trying to avoid for years now.

«I don’t know if we’re having a heart-to-heart right now,» Toni starts, as Shelby places a fruity drink in front of her, slightly alcoholic and very sugary, «But you never told me why- well, if your life at the village was so bad, why you took education, and go to church.»

Shelby isn’t sure she understood the linking, but she sensed Toni’s hostility towards Shelby’s field of studies and her confession of faith, during the past years. «My life at the village wasn’t bad because of my job or my faith. Quite the opposite.» In fact, those were the only things that kept her sane, the only constant things in her life, what she could rely on. The things that reminded her of the few good things about the village as well: of Spencer and Melody and her mother — and hell, even Andrew and her father, despite their lows.

Of Becca.

«I mean, it looks like you’re regretting it. And now you move, isolate yourself from Martha and Bernice?»

Shelby feels that bitter feeling once again. «I talk to them every day, Toni. Can’t say the same yourself now, can you? And trust me, I don’t regret leaving that place.»

♠ 27 november 2029 ♠

Toni has kept her distance. She’s drowned herself in work as long as she could, but one can only bend so much, before they break.

That’s what happens, shortly after that confrontation she has with Shelby, when she gets injured, and is told she can no longer play.

♠♠♠

It’s all over the news — the news that care about women’s sports league, the one Toni knows Martha and Shelby and Bernice read — in a few days, and she’s showered with calls from the Blackburns

She gets the first text from Shelby — the first few texts.

_ “It’s Shelby, Martha gave me your number.” _ _  
_ _ “I heard about the injury.” _ __  
_ “How can I help?” _ _  
_ __ “(Is this the right number?)”

She replies that she is Toni, and that she’s going to crash at Martha’s for a while, after they release her from the hospital.

_ “What hospital?” _

Toni replies: “Why, are you gonna pay me a visit?”

♠♠♠

Shelby does, in fact, visit her.

It’s just a knee injury, a too consumed meniscus, a dislocated patella, a surgery to attach the ligaments back together, but she’ll need recovery and a cast and she won’t be able to play professionally ever again.

Toni has kept her distance, because of the pressure, and because she knows Martha and Bernice — and hell, even Shelby, that now is part of their family just as much — don’t deserve her temper when she’s under pressure.

Toni has also kept her distance, also to avoid that pleasing tension she always feels around Shelby. Around teacher Shelby, around religious Shelby, around straight Shelby.

And the worst part is, as long as it’s safe bickering, light flirting, Toni can do.

But Shelby is also sweet, and as a trauma survivor as she and Martha are, and Toni knows that there’s something that makes her feel closer to those kinds of people. As if she understood them on a deeper level, as if it was only through hurt that authentic bond could sprout.

And that image, that walk in the courtyard, that “ _ shut up _ ” told as if it was a prayer — as if marrying for love wasn’t a fucking option — still echoes in Toni’s mind.

When Toni loses control, when Toni feels anger taking the upper hand over her, when Toni feels alone and hurting, it’s a sick and twisted thought, to think about Shelby and think about her at the lowest point.

But it calms her, and it feels her with  _ something _ . Something akin to hope that Toni can’t quite understand.

(And perhaps it’s not the fact that Shelby was hurting, but the fact that Toni got to meet real Shelby, true Shelby, only then, and then only.)

♠ 4 december 2029 ♠

Shelby pays her a visit, and Toni thought she was joking, so she’s more surprised than anything.

«Hi,» Shelby says, almost shyly, walking up to the side of the bed Toni is laying on, her knee up, lifted with some elastics to the ceiling.

«Hey. Didn’t think you’d actually come.»

«Well, what kind of fake wife would I be?»

Toni chuckles, but seeing Shelby and hearing those words sends something a bit too familiar to her, a bit too dangerous, something she recognizes from her days on Regan’s side.

«You still sending those letters to your dad?»

Shelby nods, and Toni remembers how hilarious is the idea that Dave hasn’t bothered to check if the place even exists to begin with, and just blindly trusts his daughter.

Shelby sits down on the plastic chair next to the bed, and looks like her mind is busy with something — a look Toni has learned how to read, over the years-

«What’s up, Shelbs?»

She smiles, looking at her hands, then quickly at Toni, then back down. «What do you plan on doing now?»

«I haven’t played enough to be a high league coach, so I’ll just stick to teaching in high schools I guess.»

Toni doesn’t really mind, as she’s never been concerned with having a career: she just wants to play and be independent, and if she can, provide for the people she loves.

«I was thinking, while you recover, you could stay at my place. You know, since Martha works double shift and Bernice is-»

«Old?»

Shelby chuckles, «Yeah.»

Toni has saved up to take care of herself, rent an apartment and hire a private physician or something, as she never exceeded with her lifestyle in the past three years.

She also knows that it’s dangerous to accept, because Shelby is Shelby — smart and beautiful and hard-working Shelby — and Toni is only human.

Still, precisely because Toni is only human, she nods. «I’d like that.»

♠ 7 december 2029 ♠

Toni is discharged, and walks with her crutches to Shelby’s car.

«Damn, teachers have fine paychecks now? Good thing I broke my knee then.»

Shelby rolls her eyes and leans in from the driving seat, to  _ kiss Toni on the cheek _ .

Toni feels like the world stops, and fuck, if she isn’t a goner.

♠♠♠

Toni feels pretty much like a child all over again. Well, not a child-child, more like a young teen under Bernice’s roof, taken care of while sick, allowed to skip school and watch movies under a thick blanket and cereals.

Shelby treats her pretty much like that.

«You thirsty?»

Toni can’t pass on the joke, «Water-thirsty or…?»

Shelby looks done like she always does when Toni pulls a dirty joke, but she specifies nonetheless: «Water.» — Toni understands they’ve been apart for so long, and Shelby has interacted with real people (sorry Andrew) when Shelby doesn’t totally skip the topic, but actually comments: «What do you think you can do with a cast?»

«You’d be surprised. And, yes, some water sounds lovely, thanks.»

♠♠♠

«You can take the bed.» Shelby tells her, as they’re going through their second movie, and Toni looks like she might fall asleep every second.

That seems to wake her up.

«Why, is it a single one?»

«No, but-»

«Well, if you slept with Marty already. I don’t kick. Actually, I have a cast, if you hadn’t noticed.»

«That’s what I was concerned about.»

Toni goes back looking at the screen, and after a moment, says in a quieter voice: «If you’re uncomfortable, I mean, I can take the couch.»

«Nonsense Toni, you’re recovering.»

«I’ve slept in worse places.»

And because Toni is that stubborn, Shelby leads both of them to her bedroom

♠♠♠

It’s not a big deal, Shelby says to herself.

Toni is right, she slept with Martha already.

She skipped the whole sleepover experience, but she should be fine, right?

(Except Toni takes her shirt off, and there’s just a gray tank top underneath, and fuck, has she been this fit the whole time? Shelby needs a couple of seconds to remember that Toni has been, in fact, a professional athlete.)

♠♠♠

It’s fine until it’s not, until it’s cuddles, and until no one has ever held Shelby like that.

No one with soft skin and silky hair spread all behind her, with a soft chest and feeling so tiny yet so strong against Shelby’s frame.

And she smells just like Shelby remembers, back when she was at the village, back when she was hopeless, back when she was caged.

♠♠♠

Shelby cries that night, drifting in and out of sleep, one hand under Toni’s side, the other on her hip, her toes brushing against Toni’s cast, as if making sure it stays there.

It’s so comfortable, it almost hurts. Because Toni is Toni, and it makes more sense in Shelby’s mind: she’s the one who’s never claimed anything from her, even if she gave Shelby pretty much everything she has now, giving her the gift of freedom, of being independent, of making her own choices.

It’s comforting, having her between her arms, being able to give a little back, because it almost hurts, how Shelby has been cut out from Toni’s life, that it almost feels as if she barely knew her. Shelby doesn’t even know how Toni is managing her anger issues, if she still has those, if they can even go away.

And finally, it’s comforting, having the tangible proof that it isn’t lonely, the life outside of the village, because Shelby has been courted, in those past few years, and she’s been courted by women as well — but none of them was Toni, and it’s soon, so soon, and they barely know each other, despite everything.

♠ 19 december 2029 ♠

Toni knows it takes months to recover, but fuck, she’s going crazy.

She’s by herself during the mornings, while Shelby works, and that leaves her feeling useless, as the most she can do are house chores being still, like washing the dishes.

(Shelby doesn’t let her, when she’s present, and Shelby never leaves dirty plates in the sink, so Toni can’t even do that.)

Toni is going slowly insane also because of the need to know what’s going to happen. She can’t send her resumés yet, because she doesn’t actually know when she’ll be able to start working, but sitting on her hands all day is just as bad.

The afternoons are bad for a whole different reason. Shelby helps her distract, and for the most part, she manages, but it takes a comment to turn into a bicker to turn into a fight, because Toni is tense, and feeling useless, and Shelby is tired from work and doesn’t expect it.

Toni wonders if she thinks she’s ungrateful.

That only makes her feel worse.

«I said I got this, Shelby, let me-»

The sound of the cork flying from the pressure, then a crushing sound, and with that, the window breaks.

Shelby still has one hand on the small of Toni’s back, the other in mid-air, trying to reach for the table, and they were supposed to be celebrating a promotion Shelby got.

But Toni messed it up, like she always does.

For a moment everything is quiet — like it always is.

Then Toni feels it: it’s already there, the anger, but she feels it overflowing, making her shift on the spot, jaw flexing, lips biting on each other, trying to let it go a little by those little gestures. But it doesn’t go away, and it’s a mixture between anger towards the situation and towards how bad she handled it — and how bad she’s handling herself.

Usually what follows is an outburst: she breaks something else, since she’s at it, and something more, and she leaves, and disappears for a few hours. Then she’ll apologize, but things will be a little more broken than before.

But this time, this one time Shelby’s hand take the bottle from her hand, whose foam is falling on the ground and places it on the table, the other one steady on Toni’s back. Then she takes both of her hands in her own, and breathes heavily, as if trying to remind Toni to do the same.

And it’s bullshit, it’s bullshit because Martha and Regan tried a million times to calm her down like that, immobilizing, telling her to calm down, but it’s always just worse.

«Would you like to help me clear this up?» Shelby says instead, with a small smile, as if nothing happened — and not as if she was trying to convince her of that, Toni could tell when that happened.

Offering her a concrete, immediate solution, standing out in her red vision, in the fog her brain produced.

Toni nods, and she doesn’t see too clearly, so she wonders if the lucidity in her eyes is visible.

Shelby gives her a broom, while she takes care of the wet floor, and with that, with the simple motions of moving the pieces of broken windows in the dustpan, Toni feels herself relaxing. Not in the way she needs to reach exhaustion, like through training or running or punching, but with emptiness of the mind and  _ fixing _ .

♠♠♠

«How often does it happen?»

«How often does what happen?»

They’re laying on their back, that night, and apparently Toni isn’t the only one having a bit of trouble falling asleep.

«Getting angry when something goes wrong.»

«As if it didn’t happen to everybody.»

«Not like it happens to you.»

Toni doesn’t like having this conversation, so she just stays quiet.

♠♠♠

Shelby guesses she’s seen Toni angry, or at the initial state of being angry. She doesn’t know what she expected, but one thing she knows, is how she likes less the fact that Toni has shut herself down, as if something cataclysmic happened.

As if she didn’t fix it, as if Shelby hasn’t been there next to her the whole time.

As if Toni has been used to that reaction, to that self-loathing that follows, that she just relapsed now.

And, well, if it doesn’t feel familiar.

♠ 25 december 2029 ♠ 

They spend Christmas at the Blackburn’s, and it’s nice as every previous year, but the three of them can tell Bernice is slowly going.

♠ 31 december 2029 ♠

They’re back in Shelby’s apartment, and it’s just the two of them, because neither of them has apparently any friends. Martha is busy with a certain Marcus, and sure, Shelby is happy for her, but if she was here with them it would have been less… tense.

Because they’ve had one too many glasses of wine, and they have a fireplace reproducing on the tv, with music on the background, and if that isn’t an old people’s new year’s eve.

«I can’t believe I haven’t told you this story yet, I literally told your brother!»

That doesn’t surprise Shelby’s foggy with alcohol brain, now lazily smiling and chuckling, one hand on Toni’s bicep, in a way that she knows is a bit daring, charged with a different tension than the cuddles they share at night.

Toni eyes the hand from time to time, but just carries with the story, probably just as drunk as Shelby feels: «So, I was in high school, captain of the basketball team-»

If sober Toni is cocky, drunk Toni is even worse. «Of course you were.»

«I couldn’t help it, I was  _ that  _ good. So, it was a final season game, and this girl kept taking fuels, so I came to her, right there on the court, in front of everyone, I shoved my hand in my panties, I peed in it and I fucking threw it at her!»

If Shelby wasn’t so out of her mind she’d be mildly alarmed, mildly disgusted, but all she does now is laughing in a shocked manner, «No way you actually did that! Nu-huh, I don’t believe you, Toni Shalifoe.»

«I  _ swear  _ Shelby, ask Marty, she was there!»

«Alright, I’m calling her now then-»

Shelby looks for her phone, abandoned somewhere on the floor, when she feels Toni’s hand stopping her on her knee — and, fuck, Shelby feels her whole body shake, even if she’s drunk, even if Toni doesn’t mean it like that.

«She’s probably busy with Marcus.»

It’s as if Toni realizes what’s happening, that she eyes where her hand is, but doesn’t move it. It’s warm and light against Shelby’s clothed leg, and she wishes it would be heavier, pressing, travelling upwards.

«Yeah, she probably is.» Shelby breathes out.

♠♠♠

It’s a matter of a moment. A lingering gaze, Shelby biting her lips, Toni wetting her own, that Shelby has her hands on Toni’s knee, and Toni’s hands go to her back, and suddenly they’re kissing. Open-mouth, sloppy, wet drunk kisses, hungry and impatient, messy and uncoordinated, as if moving to two different rhythms, as if each one wanted something different from the other.

But they’re drunk, and not like this, and Toni is in a cast, and Shelby hasn’t had any experience yet — because Shelby has been used to that reaction, to that self-loathing that follows her  _ sinful thoughts _ , that she just keeps relapsing, every time she even indulges in the thought of asking a girl out.

So, with all the strength she can muster, Shelby breaks the kiss, stands up, and leaves.

♠♠♠

Toni doesn’t even know how to process it, and the alcohol isn’t helping.

She’s been crushing on Shelby for an unhealthy amount of time, calling Martha late at night, right after Ms. Klein’s online therapy sessions, to tell her everything about Shelby’s deep eyes and deep conversations.

Martha is the only one who’s known why Toni has kept herself away for so long from the Blackburn household — and fuck, if she doesn’t regret it now, now that Bernice is slowly leaving them, and now that Shelby has kissed her back.

But Shelby has also left, so that can’t be good, can it? It can mean regret, it can mean just a drunk accident.

They act as if nothing happened, and Shelby sleeps on the couch, that night.

And the next one, and the one that follows, too.

♠ 3 january 2030 ♠

«It’s okay if you don’t want to, but you can come back sleeping on the bed. I won’t try to do anything, you know.»

Shelby is cooking, as Toni has just been on the phone to book her first appointment with the physician. They’ll take her cast out in a week, but she’ll still have to use crutches, and do physiotherapy twice a week.

Shelby is cooking, because that’s one thing she’s bonded over with Bernice, and everyone is aware of the situation now, so she cooks, to relieve the stress.

«Can you get me a plate? They’re in the-»

«I know where they are, fuck, Shelby. Don’t treat me like a stranger.»

Toni leaves the plate by her side minutes later, and Shelby tenses, smelling her perfume before seeing her.

«Thanks.»

Toni sighs and leaves.

♠♠♠

_ “Maybe there isn’t just a way to be a Christian.” _ and  _ “I won’t try to do anything” _ , as if it’s Toni who she should fear, and not herself.

That night, she knocks on the bedroom door, always open, since new year’s eve.

Toni lifts her eyes from the book she’s reading, «Hey.»

Shelby sits on the other side of the bed. Toni has set her book aside, sensing Shelby isn’t just going to just slip under the covers and sleep.

«I don’t know how to do this, Toni. I’ve never dated before, and I don’t know how to read the signs, if you might want to too.»

Toni looks at her for quite some time, inscrutable expression, as if she expected everything but a confession like that.

«I mean, we’re already married. We can skip the dating bit, don’t you think?»

Shelby chuckles, because Toni’s lightness is just what she needs right now.

And it feels as if Toni exactly knows what she needs, even through their fighting, even before Shelby can know it herself.

«You don’t  _ have _ to do anything. I mean, it’s chill.»

It should feel disappointing, in sharp contrast to the zero to a hundred kind of way Shelby has affronted life up to now — but it feels liberating, instead.

It feels liberating how Toni extends her arms, and Shelby is welcomed to snuggle in, without expectations, without duties, without labels.

«We’re not even  _ friends _ , Shelby. We should try to be that first.»

And Shelby laughs, she laughs and she feels loved. «But we’re a family, as Martha said.»

«Yes. Yes we are.»

♠ 10 january 2030 ♠

Shelby accompanies Toni to her physiotherapy sessions, dutifully, waiting for her outside.

«It doesn’t make any sense, why can’t I come in?»

«If you were my actual wife you could, you know.»

It’s a joke, but very briefly, Shelby wonders what it would feel like.

They’re living together already, after all.

♠ 21 march 2030 ♠

«You might want to try and date a bit.» Toni —  _ Toni  _ — tells her, that afternoon, after Shelby has cracked yet another joke about marriage and how people at her workplace are starting to assume that they’re actually married.

Shelby blinks. «Why?»

She doesn’t mean to give it away like that, even if she already kind of confessed her feelings to Toni, but she doesn’t understand why Toni would suggest her going into other women’s arms out of nowhere. Doesn’t she want her any longer?

♠♠♠

It’s not easy to say that, and Toni doesn’t know how to lay it out without caging Shelby even more. The marriage full of lies was a mean move, and sure, it helped Shelby run away, but it still caged her down to live where Toni brought her. What if she didn’t click with the Blackburns? It was just luck, and Toni had been selfish to put Shelby in that position.

And now, now she’s taking advantage of her: because Shelby’s drunk accident was no accident at all, and perhaps that’s precisely what she’s been running from, at the village, but Toni can’t let Shelby settle for her. Not when Shelby is way out of her league, and she’s looking for Toni’s affection out of familiarity, because she’s all she’s ever known, and she’s been taught to love like that.

«You said it yourself, you’ve never dated before. Your soulmate might be out there, somewhere, waiting for you.»

♠♠♠

Shelby follows Toni’s advice. She doesn’t know where it’s coming from, but what does Shelby know about love? It’s not as easy as labels make it out to be: sister, friend, lover. It’s not just a matter of sexual desire and shared blood, because Martha is Toni’s sister even if they don’t share it, and Shelby feels that kind of desire even if the loneliness of her room, alone with her hands, late at night.

Well, not so much, ever since Toni moved in with her, but still.

And because it’s not so easy, and Toni is more experienced than she is — or so she guesses, even if the only girl ever mentioned has been Regan and various hookup funny stories — she lets Toni lead her.

She trusts Toni, and if Toni tells her she should try dating, even if Shelby is pretty sure her soulmate isn’t outside of this house — if soulmates even exist — then she will do it.

♠ 27 march 2030 ♠

«It’s not working.»

«It was just the first attempt,»

«It’s stressful, and they bury you under questions. Why can’t I be with someone I know already?»

Because Toni doesn’t want to take advantage of her and make her unhappy in the long run, «You can’t say you tried after one single date. Do you wanna give her another chance or do you wanna try someone else?»

«Uh, anyone else please. I’m sorry Alycia but I can only take so much horse talking.»

♠♠♠

«You should try dating too, Toni. I haven’t heard of a girl since Regan.»

«That’s because I haven’t had a girl since Regan.»

Shelby looks surprised, «Why? I’m sure plenty of girls would wanna date you.»

«You offering?»

«Actually…»

Toni knows she’s joking by the way she laughs after, but fuck, if it didn’t shake Toni’s core.

♠ 8 april 2030 ♠

Bernice dies.

She dies and they go to the funeral.

Toni thought she’d have to console Martha, but turns out, Shelby is the one who ends up taking care of both of them, even if Bernice has been a second mother to her too.

♠ 15 may 2030 ♠

«I can’t fucking believe she’s gone.»

It’s the first time Toni talks about it, after the funeral.

«Just, one day she’s here, the next one, it’s over. You can’t talk to her, you can’t see her.»

«Helps put things into perspective, doesn’t it?» Shelby offers, as they’re on their way to Toni’s last physiotherapy session.

Toni is quiet for a moment, before she nods. «Yeah, it does.»

And maybe, just maybe — there’s no time to lose neglecting one’s feelings.

♠ 1 july 2030 ♠

«I bought you these.»

Shelby doesn’t expect flowers, certainly not from Toni, and certainly not a whole bouquet.

«I looked the meaning up in wikipedia, but it was too specific, so I told the florist to handle it.»

Shelby takes the flowers and kisses Toni on the cheek, before going to put them in a pot. «I love these, for what occasion did you buy them?»

«It’s our five years anniversary. Since the first time we met.»

It’s weirdly sweet, so uncharacteristical of Toni, that fills Shelby with something warm.

«Put your shoes on, I’m taking you somewhere.»

♠♠♠

It’s a good thing Shelby doesn’t work in the summer, because Toni’s “somewhere” means a whole week-lasting field trip to the lakeside to toss some stones like Martha and her used to, and Shelby tells her how Martha brought her there already.

Toni brings her to play bowling, then to play basketball — “play”, which becomes trying to steal the ball from Toni’s hand, knocking both of them on the ground from time to time.

Then Toni brings her to a fair, where they don’t win a single thing, and as they play seven eleven, Toni promises her to play Beyonce on their way back.

♠ 30 august 2030 ♠

«There’s another anniversary today. Will you bring me to another carnival?»

So that’s why Shelby has been weird all day.

Shelby chooses to tell her that evening, when the day has already gone and they’re more than ready to slip into slumber. Toni knows what anniversary this is: one that she swore she’d never bring up, symbol of how Shelby might not feel free around Toni, because of their fake marriage.

«Should have told me a bit early. Perhaps tomorrow.»

«Aren’t we even gonna watch a movie?»

Toni closes the book, and places it on the nightstand. She doesn’t understand why Shelby would want to be reminded of something like that, «We could celebrate tomorrow as your liberation day.»

Shelby chuckles, before going back to looking at Toni with an intense gaze.

«Wanna know why we’re here, even after you’ve been avoiding me for years?»

It’s sudden and abrupt, and they never talk about those few years, if not during heated arguments. Not with clarity and not with Shelby’s light smile on her lips.

«Why?»

«Spiritual marriage isn’t something you can fake.»

Toni doesn’t know what to answer, so she frowns and bursts out laughing. «You believe in that?»

«I didn’t  _ before _ , actually.»

When Toni doesn’t talk, after a little «Understood.» to fill the void, Shelby scoots closer.

«I need you to spell it for me, Toni. Do you like me the way I like you?»

«I don’t know how you like me.»

«Let me show you, then.»

And with that, Shelby kissed her — kissed  _ Toni  _ for the first time, and it felt even more sacred than kissing Antonio in front of a pastor, blessings on their shoulders, a solemn pipe organ to accompany them.

In the quietness and privacy of their little home, that felt like a spiritual marriage — like a good and kind kind of life.

♠♠♠

(When they’ll tell Martha, she won’t sound surprised or excited, but will only say: «It took you  _ five years _ , god, I thought I’d grow old before one of you had the guts to confess their feelings. I placed my bets on Shelby, of course. Mom would owe me five dollars now.»)

**Author's Note:**

> happy international women's day!


End file.
